What a pain.

Talking about myself this time.
I am not in love with you and it's because I don't know you, I'm sure you're a great person but I stopped caring about that and started focusing on how annoyed I am every time you say "I love you," those words are tired and meaningless, you throw them at me and I don't know what to say other than "I love you, too" because that's what my instincts tell me to do. But, I really don't think I love you. I feel like an asshole for this.
I don't want any part of you anymore and I don't know how to say it. I don't want to lose your friendship but I don't want to be with you, ever.

To be honest, at first I wanted every part of you but when you started talking about our lives together I shut myself off to it (the relationship) and to you. I've been lingering because I don't want to hurt you and I know I'm not being fair to you. I realize how strong your feelings are for me. It scares the shit out of me.

I also want to prove to myself that I can stick around for longer than two weeks. Not going to happen.

I just need someone who's less available, like I am.
I'm an asshole.

You don't know, you can never be sure, but you take the plunge anyway.

I feel like I am grasping at something because I have never known another way.
But, I know that if I continue like this that one day I'm going to wake up and realize I'm living a lie. I don't know if maybe I should wait and see.
I'm very confused. Well, no I'm not I'm just confused at what I should do and who I should tell. I have no one to go to
with this except my boyfriend... but he's the last person I could tell.

Whatever. One day.

I may be getting too far ahead of myself...

But, I think I've found someone that feels like home again. There's never a dull moment and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard when I say goodbye after a 2 hour long phone call. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be this way, the way everything worked out. I'm guessing this is just an alternate path for me or maybe the previous one was supposed to lead me to him all along.

Since I've known him for so long I never would have expected my feelings for him to be anything other than platonic. I'm just happy to know that it's mutual.
He even wants to come visit.

New beginnings

My first week in Oregon has gone by pretty quickly. I got a job almost instantly and I even made a new friend. But, recently I've been extremely homesick. Wanting to break down and cry every second of the day. I miss my friends so much. Even though nothing has really changed back in Florida... I'm sure all of this is normal. At first, i didn't miss it at all.

I just miss my dogs I think. Being lonely is normal because I was always alone back home. I'm sure once I start work everything will be peachy!

I need some fuckin friends.