not again

I'm sick of being second best to everyone and being treated like shit. I'm sick of being taken for granted. I know I'm not the nicest person, I'm always honest, but what the fuck. I treat my friends right. I don't care if you think otherwise. I know how to treat a friend and you obviously don't. You never really knew how to, anyway.

And I miss him again. I don't know if I'll ever not miss him. Last night was bad. One of the worst. I felt like crying but I held back my tears, it worked. But, as cheesy as it sounds I was crying on the inside. I just can't stand it. As soon as I'm trying to get over him, I take 100 steps back and I'm back to square one. I think he was the one but I know he didn't care about me. At least that's what it seems like now.
I'm pretty positive that I'm ruined for everyone else. I'm too young to feel like that.

The real reasons why I don't want to be involved with anyone:

I don't want the obligation.
I would hate to put a person through what I go through everyday.
I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak.
I'll just be really paranoid and think they'll try to leave me every chance they get.
I can't love someone if I don't consistently love myself.




I just hurt way too much.

on respecting yourself

I am not completely sold on the idea of having a fuck buddy since I am still very vulnerable. But, it's not even that. I want to share something that intimate with someone I care about and someone who cares about me. I mean I hear meaningless sex is amazing but I'm not sure If I'm ready for it.

I just want to be wanted. It's not so much to ask.

Will you guess when I come around next, I hope your open sign is blinking still.

Today I realized there's no point to still holding on because holding only hurts.
Holding only reminds me that you don't want me and that there's nothing I can do to make you. I don't want to feel inadequate anymore.
I didn't think about you all day today. It made me sad when I realized this but at the same time made me realize I'm actually getting over you.
There's nothing I can do now, I've held on for entirely too long.

I'm erasing you where I like it or not.

A realization of inadequacy.

I wasn't into sports (AF), motorcycles, and I never asked you about your day. I get that I was a very self-absorbed person. I never talked to you about your interests and after awhile I became too much to handle. I see that. I know it's my fault. It usually is, I warned you. I guess I should be thankful that you took a chance on me. I just wish you didn't give up so quickly, even though I guess I did, too. I feel like maybe you meant more to me than you were supposed to, that maybe I was starting to feel too strongly for you too quickly. I'm at fault for that. I fall so quickly. Which contradicts everything about me.
No matter how much I over-analyze I still won't know because you won't give me the time of day. I wasn't that important to you.

To you, I am disposable.

I guess these words still haven't reached your ears regardless ofhow many times I've said them.

I am miserable here and the worst thing is that I'm comfortable. I'm so comfortable that if I feel sort of happy something feels off.
I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm not making the best decisions when it comes to school, I'm doing things that I'll have to make up for later. I hate using my issues as an excuse but it is relevant, unfortunately.

I really wish I would have left.

#5

The thought that I'll never run my fingers through your hair, never feel your touch, never kiss you whenever I want to absolutely destroys me. I've never yearned for a person more. I've never had a person want me so much and then not want me at all. I've never held on to someone I barely know for this long. This is a lot of firsts for me. You were out of my head for awhile and now I can't get you out. Why is it taking me so long? Maybe because this is supposed to be but you're fighting it. I don't think you've found anyone. You said there was no one there for you. Same goes for me.
You're the one that I want. It was so easy yet so complicated at the same time.
Complicated because of me, mostly.
I'm sorry.

#3 "did you throw it all away just to prove that you could?"

I have tested myself in the worst ways possible. Seeing how much I can take, whether it be pain, drinking, etc., The more pain I inflict on myself the more numb I am to it. I have the mindset "if I can take this, then I can take anything," I feel almost invincible.
I know I am still young and naive but the things I've had to endure I doubt most people in their lifetime will ever experience. Lucky them. But, its made me stronger and less susceptible to be broken. Even though, sometimes, I do crack. If things keep going the way they are I have no doubt that the crack will grow until I am completely broken to the point where I can't be fixed.
I don't want to be fixed. I don't need to be saved. I've spent most of my time alone. The only thing that interests me is having nothing to do with anyone that will cause me pain. I know everyone will in some way or another, whether it be intentional or not won't matter.

How did I get this way?

#2

I used to be the kind of person who put so much effort into friendships and relationships. I truly cared, right down to the bone and I never failed to show it either.
But, the treatment I received contradicted it all. I've always been thrown away, like I'm some disposable camera. Not a person, with feelings, who's given her all.
I became fed up.
I've stopped being the person everyone takes for granted because now I don't care. I care to an extent but I'm less prone to give second chances or *ahem* become your doormat. I'm outspoken and I always say what's on my mind, not that I didn't before but I was careful. Constantly walked on eggshells. I'm still a decent person but at times I feel like now I'm the one taking advantage of people. A complete role reversal, it feels nice to be in control. To live on my own terms and not wait around for someone.
That's not really working either. I need some balance.

#1

How is that when I close my eyes I still see your face so clearly? Most of the time when I try to remember others faces, that I see every day mind you, some of their features are left out. But, not yours, everything is there. But, why do I remember yours so well? It's like they're engraved in me, much to my dismay. Because all I want, all I really want is to forget you just like you forgot me. And even though my feelings for you have subsided-- or more like buried, buried so deep inside that it's not even worth trying to dig them up again-- I can't quite get over you. Well, not you, I can't get over what you did. I can't find it in me to, my mind can't escape the understanding I'm pining for.

I don't think it's your fault that I am this upset and depressed over what you did. No, you see, it's happened to me before; losing someone that I cared about and let in, it's happened a lot more than I deserve. The fact that I thought it would never happen again is what ultimately crushed me.
I need to start saving myself from disappointment before it happens. But that's easier said than done. I'm skeptical of everything else, God, friends, life, myself, etc, but when it comes to liking or loving, I fall so quickly. Not that I've ever been in love. Not even close.

(I almost feel like we were really meant to be, I mean everything about you was just unbelievable to me. But, you didn't feel the same.)