You are the only exception..

I feel like since I've let my guard down with you things have been much easier. I'm letting you know me. That's an opportunity I only give to few. Which makes me sound pretty pretentious and self-important. But, I am important, ya know?

I may be flighty and unsure about everything in my life most of the time but you have proved to be a pretty good balance for me. And when you talk about sharing your life with me it does freak me out, but at the same time it's comforting. It's nice to have someone who wants all of that with you and it's nice to reciprocate it and mean it.

I don't know if we'll last, it doesn't seem like anyone our age makes it passed the 6 month mark and if we prove to be just like the rest of them I think I'm okay with that. I know that I'll always love you, maybe not like I do now but I'll always want you in my life. And who knows maybe we will end up together after I find myself, because that probably will be a reason I end things, so that I can discover who I am without you. And I don't want this to sound negative, it's just a realistic outlook on things.

That's all.

They really do come in three's, now where's the third one to make this thing real shitty?

I'm only talking about the 2nd one because the other shit is REAL personal.
Anyway, fuck you for taking my legitimate concerns and then turning them into something bigger.
By you making it about you and not listening to me just makes you look like an immature bitch.
Harsh words, I know. But I'm sick of this kid shit. I love you so much and you don't get that this really has hurt me regardless if it was intentional or not.
Ugh

What a pain.

Talking about myself this time.
I am not in love with you and it's because I don't know you, I'm sure you're a great person but I stopped caring about that and started focusing on how annoyed I am every time you say "I love you," those words are tired and meaningless, you throw them at me and I don't know what to say other than "I love you, too" because that's what my instincts tell me to do. But, I really don't think I love you. I feel like an asshole for this.
I don't want any part of you anymore and I don't know how to say it. I don't want to lose your friendship but I don't want to be with you, ever.

To be honest, at first I wanted every part of you but when you started talking about our lives together I shut myself off to it (the relationship) and to you. I've been lingering because I don't want to hurt you and I know I'm not being fair to you. I realize how strong your feelings are for me. It scares the shit out of me.

I also want to prove to myself that I can stick around for longer than two weeks. Not going to happen.

I just need someone who's less available, like I am.
I'm an asshole.

You don't know, you can never be sure, but you take the plunge anyway.

I feel like I am grasping at something because I have never known another way.
But, I know that if I continue like this that one day I'm going to wake up and realize I'm living a lie. I don't know if maybe I should wait and see.
I'm very confused. Well, no I'm not I'm just confused at what I should do and who I should tell. I have no one to go to
with this except my boyfriend... but he's the last person I could tell.

Whatever. One day.

I may be getting too far ahead of myself...

But, I think I've found someone that feels like home again. There's never a dull moment and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard when I say goodbye after a 2 hour long phone call. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be this way, the way everything worked out. I'm guessing this is just an alternate path for me or maybe the previous one was supposed to lead me to him all along.

Since I've known him for so long I never would have expected my feelings for him to be anything other than platonic. I'm just happy to know that it's mutual.
He even wants to come visit.

New beginnings

My first week in Oregon has gone by pretty quickly. I got a job almost instantly and I even made a new friend. But, recently I've been extremely homesick. Wanting to break down and cry every second of the day. I miss my friends so much. Even though nothing has really changed back in Florida... I'm sure all of this is normal. At first, i didn't miss it at all.

I just miss my dogs I think. Being lonely is normal because I was always alone back home. I'm sure once I start work everything will be peachy!

I need some fuckin friends.

loneliness

I'm not sure if anyone knows the true sense of the word alone. It's a scary feeling that I'm quite too comfortable with. I hate it, but I don't hate it. I think I may hate it more when I leave because then I'll truly have no one.

I don't just feel alone because I have no one around me but because of the things said to me to make it impossible to feel otherwise.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

A coma might feel better than this...

Without you here I'm less happy. I have spurts of joy but it doesn't last like the kind I had with you. Grinning from ear to ear uncontrollaby. I felt like I had finally found who I was looking for, then it all disappeared.

The pain I feel now is overwhelming, I don't know how to not compare you to other guys.

I don't know how you're doing, what you're doing and the thought of this completely consumes me. Especially at night, and in the mornings. They're the times we spent most together but are now just empty and routine.

Why did you do this? It's a huge void I can't fill.

#7

I'm so damn sick of being so god damn fragile. So forgotten.

Side swiped. Day and night.

#6

I'm not sure how I've lasted this long.

Me without you

There's some people or maybe just a person that you think you're going to be friends with the rest of your life. But, then something major happens, followed by a few hiccups that are more than just bumps in the road. You think you're over it and then you start to realize that you're just starting to grow up and now you can look at the bigger picture in a new and more mature perspective. You see what this person and the friendship has offered and still has to offer you and if you have anything left to give as well.
Then one day you just grow out of it. It's sad when it's one person and not both. But, not everyone can hang on as long. Some want to get out of the rut they've been stuck in.
I think now is my time.
But, it doesn't mean I don't care it just means that people change, things change and it's inevitable. Maybe it's harsh, I think it's just reality.

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....

I just want to mean something to someone...
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Belated conversation, saturate anticipation for the answers that simply wont come.

I feel like I'm drowning, this is a common feeling.

I'm restless and I often feel like I don't have control over my own feelings. But, who really does?

I hope this is something I can cope with or maybe I just need answers to my unanswered questions.

I can't stand myself.

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If I am without you then I will feel so small

Sometimes I wish I could ask you how you're doing, how your day was, and if life is working out for you. Some of these I should have asked before. Before, I went and ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me.
It wasn't hard to stay, I guess I should say it's your loss? But, I won't because I know it's mine.
How could I fall for someone I barely know so quickly?
I don't understand myself when it comes to love. I'm so skeptical when it comes to everything, but, when it's love I dive in head first. I need to learn how to test the waters. Start dipping my toes in before I take the big plunge.

I blame myself to make it easier for you and I don't know why. I say that I broke my heart, that it's my fault to make you look better. I don't think I could ever think badly of you and I don't want to.

Without you around, I'm drowning. I think it's the most honest I've been with myself in awhile.
I'm lonely, which I do to myself but I just have this big hole in my heart that nothing can fill.
You're completely irreplaceable and I was fooling myself if I thought otherwise.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'd rather die than find someone else.

I don't want to start over.

You know me better than that

I think for my fear of losing people I've been unable to let go of the people who are no good for me, that will only bring me hurt the majority of the time.

It's not fair that my fear of abandonment has left me this way. I wish I could get rid of everyone who's ever made me upset, but then there'd be no one left.

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Not fair

It's like this: you can't keep treating me this way. When I freaked out on you it was because this whole time I've been bottling up every little thing you did, I was a ticking time bomb.
I am not going to be your friend of convenience because I know that I, without a doubt, deserve better.
I don't know how we lasted this long. I've never had a friend like this before and I know next time I will definitely have a backbone.
I'm done.

If you never try you'll never know just what you're worth

I want a friend who wants to be my friend, someone who enjoys being around me all the time instead of some of the time.
Who'll be there for me through my darkest days and celebrate with me on my best.
I don't seem to have anyone around like that. I hate being alone even though I always am.
I would give it all in return, too.
Why can't I find a person who will stick around and put aside their problems?
Everyone is just way too selfish.


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Long coming

I've been confused about a certain aspect of my life for awhile now and today I told a close friend that went through the same thing. Not that I'm comfortable with telling anyone just yet, it was comforting knowing he was there for me and had empathy for what I was dealing with.

Good people do exist and I'm glad i have someone right now.


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It's apparent

It's pretty apparent that I thought what we had was way more special than you did.
It's very apparent that you were more special to me than I was to you. There's absolutely no comparison as far I'm concerned.

It's a little too obvious that you ran as far as you could.

It's apparent that I'm not handling this well, still.
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Things I'll never understand

I'll never understand how some people can treat another person like they're nothing, like they never meant anything to anyone, like they're not a daughter/son, a sister, a brother, someones best friend. How can you care about somebody for so long and then decide not to anymore? I get that feelings change, my feelings change often. But, it breaks my heart knowing that people can't stay committed or they can't give anything a chance. They take any opportunity that falls in their lap to run away. What happened to talking and working it out? Or maybe that goes back to them not caring enough.

I can't let this issue go and it's been 6 months. But, I don't feel pathetic anymore. I think there's a reason why this is always on my mind, because it's supposed to be.

I'll never forget June/ July of 2009, it changed my life.
But, not to worry I'm going to move on eventually, when I'm ready. Then again, maybe I'll never be ready and just fill the void with anyone I possibly can.



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