One man wolf-pack, truly.

Since I’ve moved away I’ve definitely changed the way I handle situations but that just comes with the territory of becoming an adult. I’ve also realized, and it may sound sad, that everyone in your life is pretty temporary. Well, mostly everyone. Knowing this though is better than believing that people are always going to be there for you to pick you up when you’re down. You can’t rely on another human being to do that, you have to take care of yourself. Maybe I’m just designed differently, I’m one of the very few people I know who can be your best friend but also be very detached simultaneously.

No one knows the reason I’m this way, sometimes I even have a hard time figuring it out. I just know if I’ve learned anything through my experiences this far it’s that everyone is (secretly or knowingly) looking out for themselves - even when you’re giving them everything you have. I’m still able to do this without totally being there, without completely diving into it. Which to me is impressive yet completely scary at the same time.

Scary. Scary because I really hope I change somewhat, I really hope one day I will be able to let people in and genuinely give a shit. Not that I fake it, but, it sure does seem that way with how fast I’m able to snap back. Maybe I shouldn’t call it cold, maybe I should call it fast emotional reflex?

Everyone has their hang ups and their flaws and this just a really big one of mine. I’m still a nice person though and friendly but if I can’t rely on you, which I for the most part can’t - try not to rely on me so much.

You are the only exception..

I feel like since I've let my guard down with you things have been much easier. I'm letting you know me. That's an opportunity I only give to few. Which makes me sound pretty pretentious and self-important. But, I am important, ya know?

I may be flighty and unsure about everything in my life most of the time but you have proved to be a pretty good balance for me. And when you talk about sharing your life with me it does freak me out, but at the same time it's comforting. It's nice to have someone who wants all of that with you and it's nice to reciprocate it and mean it.

I don't know if we'll last, it doesn't seem like anyone our age makes it passed the 6 month mark and if we prove to be just like the rest of them I think I'm okay with that. I know that I'll always love you, maybe not like I do now but I'll always want you in my life. And who knows maybe we will end up together after I find myself, because that probably will be a reason I end things, so that I can discover who I am without you. And I don't want this to sound negative, it's just a realistic outlook on things.

That's all.

They really do come in three's, now where's the third one to make this thing real shitty?

I'm only talking about the 2nd one because the other shit is REAL personal.
Anyway, fuck you for taking my legitimate concerns and then turning them into something bigger.
By you making it about you and not listening to me just makes you look like an immature bitch.
Harsh words, I know. But I'm sick of this kid shit. I love you so much and you don't get that this really has hurt me regardless if it was intentional or not.
Ugh

What a pain.

Talking about myself this time.
I am not in love with you and it's because I don't know you, I'm sure you're a great person but I stopped caring about that and started focusing on how annoyed I am every time you say "I love you," those words are tired and meaningless, you throw them at me and I don't know what to say other than "I love you, too" because that's what my instincts tell me to do. But, I really don't think I love you. I feel like an asshole for this.
I don't want any part of you anymore and I don't know how to say it. I don't want to lose your friendship but I don't want to be with you, ever.

To be honest, at first I wanted every part of you but when you started talking about our lives together I shut myself off to it (the relationship) and to you. I've been lingering because I don't want to hurt you and I know I'm not being fair to you. I realize how strong your feelings are for me. It scares the shit out of me.

I also want to prove to myself that I can stick around for longer than two weeks. Not going to happen.

I just need someone who's less available, like I am.
I'm an asshole.