#5

The thought that I'll never run my fingers through your hair, never feel your touch, never kiss you whenever I want to absolutely destroys me. I've never yearned for a person more. I've never had a person want me so much and then not want me at all. I've never held on to someone I barely know for this long. This is a lot of firsts for me. You were out of my head for awhile and now I can't get you out. Why is it taking me so long? Maybe because this is supposed to be but you're fighting it. I don't think you've found anyone. You said there was no one there for you. Same goes for me.
You're the one that I want. It was so easy yet so complicated at the same time.
Complicated because of me, mostly.
I'm sorry.

#3 "did you throw it all away just to prove that you could?"

I have tested myself in the worst ways possible. Seeing how much I can take, whether it be pain, drinking, etc., The more pain I inflict on myself the more numb I am to it. I have the mindset "if I can take this, then I can take anything," I feel almost invincible.
I know I am still young and naive but the things I've had to endure I doubt most people in their lifetime will ever experience. Lucky them. But, its made me stronger and less susceptible to be broken. Even though, sometimes, I do crack. If things keep going the way they are I have no doubt that the crack will grow until I am completely broken to the point where I can't be fixed.
I don't want to be fixed. I don't need to be saved. I've spent most of my time alone. The only thing that interests me is having nothing to do with anyone that will cause me pain. I know everyone will in some way or another, whether it be intentional or not won't matter.

How did I get this way?

#2

I used to be the kind of person who put so much effort into friendships and relationships. I truly cared, right down to the bone and I never failed to show it either.
But, the treatment I received contradicted it all. I've always been thrown away, like I'm some disposable camera. Not a person, with feelings, who's given her all.
I became fed up.
I've stopped being the person everyone takes for granted because now I don't care. I care to an extent but I'm less prone to give second chances or *ahem* become your doormat. I'm outspoken and I always say what's on my mind, not that I didn't before but I was careful. Constantly walked on eggshells. I'm still a decent person but at times I feel like now I'm the one taking advantage of people. A complete role reversal, it feels nice to be in control. To live on my own terms and not wait around for someone.
That's not really working either. I need some balance.

#1

How is that when I close my eyes I still see your face so clearly? Most of the time when I try to remember others faces, that I see every day mind you, some of their features are left out. But, not yours, everything is there. But, why do I remember yours so well? It's like they're engraved in me, much to my dismay. Because all I want, all I really want is to forget you just like you forgot me. And even though my feelings for you have subsided-- or more like buried, buried so deep inside that it's not even worth trying to dig them up again-- I can't quite get over you. Well, not you, I can't get over what you did. I can't find it in me to, my mind can't escape the understanding I'm pining for.

I don't think it's your fault that I am this upset and depressed over what you did. No, you see, it's happened to me before; losing someone that I cared about and let in, it's happened a lot more than I deserve. The fact that I thought it would never happen again is what ultimately crushed me.
I need to start saving myself from disappointment before it happens. But that's easier said than done. I'm skeptical of everything else, God, friends, life, myself, etc, but when it comes to liking or loving, I fall so quickly. Not that I've ever been in love. Not even close.

(I almost feel like we were really meant to be, I mean everything about you was just unbelievable to me. But, you didn't feel the same.)