....

I just want to mean something to someone...
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Belated conversation, saturate anticipation for the answers that simply wont come.

I feel like I'm drowning, this is a common feeling.

I'm restless and I often feel like I don't have control over my own feelings. But, who really does?

I hope this is something I can cope with or maybe I just need answers to my unanswered questions.

I can't stand myself.

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If I am without you then I will feel so small

Sometimes I wish I could ask you how you're doing, how your day was, and if life is working out for you. Some of these I should have asked before. Before, I went and ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me.
It wasn't hard to stay, I guess I should say it's your loss? But, I won't because I know it's mine.
How could I fall for someone I barely know so quickly?
I don't understand myself when it comes to love. I'm so skeptical when it comes to everything, but, when it's love I dive in head first. I need to learn how to test the waters. Start dipping my toes in before I take the big plunge.

I blame myself to make it easier for you and I don't know why. I say that I broke my heart, that it's my fault to make you look better. I don't think I could ever think badly of you and I don't want to.

Without you around, I'm drowning. I think it's the most honest I've been with myself in awhile.
I'm lonely, which I do to myself but I just have this big hole in my heart that nothing can fill.
You're completely irreplaceable and I was fooling myself if I thought otherwise.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'd rather die than find someone else.

I don't want to start over.

You know me better than that

I think for my fear of losing people I've been unable to let go of the people who are no good for me, that will only bring me hurt the majority of the time.

It's not fair that my fear of abandonment has left me this way. I wish I could get rid of everyone who's ever made me upset, but then there'd be no one left.

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Not fair

It's like this: you can't keep treating me this way. When I freaked out on you it was because this whole time I've been bottling up every little thing you did, I was a ticking time bomb.
I am not going to be your friend of convenience because I know that I, without a doubt, deserve better.
I don't know how we lasted this long. I've never had a friend like this before and I know next time I will definitely have a backbone.
I'm done.

If you never try you'll never know just what you're worth

I want a friend who wants to be my friend, someone who enjoys being around me all the time instead of some of the time.
Who'll be there for me through my darkest days and celebrate with me on my best.
I don't seem to have anyone around like that. I hate being alone even though I always am.
I would give it all in return, too.
Why can't I find a person who will stick around and put aside their problems?
Everyone is just way too selfish.


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Long coming

I've been confused about a certain aspect of my life for awhile now and today I told a close friend that went through the same thing. Not that I'm comfortable with telling anyone just yet, it was comforting knowing he was there for me and had empathy for what I was dealing with.

Good people do exist and I'm glad i have someone right now.


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It's apparent

It's pretty apparent that I thought what we had was way more special than you did.
It's very apparent that you were more special to me than I was to you. There's absolutely no comparison as far I'm concerned.

It's a little too obvious that you ran as far as you could.

It's apparent that I'm not handling this well, still.
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Things I'll never understand

I'll never understand how some people can treat another person like they're nothing, like they never meant anything to anyone, like they're not a daughter/son, a sister, a brother, someones best friend. How can you care about somebody for so long and then decide not to anymore? I get that feelings change, my feelings change often. But, it breaks my heart knowing that people can't stay committed or they can't give anything a chance. They take any opportunity that falls in their lap to run away. What happened to talking and working it out? Or maybe that goes back to them not caring enough.

I can't let this issue go and it's been 6 months. But, I don't feel pathetic anymore. I think there's a reason why this is always on my mind, because it's supposed to be.

I'll never forget June/ July of 2009, it changed my life.
But, not to worry I'm going to move on eventually, when I'm ready. Then again, maybe I'll never be ready and just fill the void with anyone I possibly can.



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